Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Ah, young love... It makes me sick!!!

When will the British Media's love affair with Lewis 'Golden Boy' Hamilton ever bloody end!?

ITV are the worst offenders, during any interview with Lewis (which tends to be at least 3 times in any one programme) Steve 'Weird Face' Ryder stares captivated into the young rookies eyes like a pre-pubecent teen who harbors a secret crush on his 1st yr english supply teacher!

Steve Rider: As you were waiting for the verdict, what was the tension like because it was a close-run thing whether the drivers’ points were going to be lost or not?

TRANSLATES AS: Please dont be angry the nasty FIA may not realise you are the Messiah but here at ITV we understand your greatness and offer ourselves forward as your humble servants, admittedly, James Allen is a bit of a cock but even he drools in your general direction... Did i mention i want your babies?

LH: It was.

Translates as...

Thanks for stating the obvious underling, i am fully aware of my greatness. Yes James Allen is a cock, and your point is?

My babies? I wouldn't trust you to carry my excrement around in a sock! Your quiff is rather fetching though, attractive in a slightly wrong way. Now quiet and finish polishing my shoes.

I got back here [Spa], I think it was a two o’clock meeting with my engineer, we were walking the track and I had a call to say that this is what they have said in the press.

What he's saying is...

I'd just got the second coat of paint applied to my synthetic hair and was waiting for the laser to warm up so i could re-whiten my teeth. Suddenly one of my servants stumbled into my quarters clutching the Hamilton Hotline, platinum plated of course.

So you can imagine my heart just dropped and [to] see that all the work that the team have done, that I have put in this season, it was going to be taken away from me.

In Lewis speak...

So you can imagine, i was filled with pure rage and all the work i have done and all the effort i put into carrying the team and operating my puppet Ronny. Mind control on this level takes a lot of concentration. How dare the FIA even consider taking anything away from me, after all i am f1!

Fortunately, I didn’t have my points taken away from me and I think we were really lucky with that, so I am going to do the best job I can and just keep on pushing [for the title].

What he mean to say was...

Lucky for them, the fia saw sense and realised without me there is no F1, in the eyes of the true fans at least. Plus i'm sure the threat of unleashing a plague of locusts did no harm to the outcome. Yes, we cheated, but thats not important, what is important is that i am lewis hamilton, i am the incarnation of this sport and i am now able to continue milking this cash cow of every last bitter drop, like a young boy who's just discovered his dads porno stash and the joys of masturbation for the first time. Did i mention i have a book coming out? Its 'Lewis Hamilton: The Messiah has Come!' available everywhere ever...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

OI! leave off lewis, he is the best!!!